Deeply Personal Day

I've said before I was going to keep this a "business" type of blog. All happiness and light. Well as much as possible. But I got to looking at what my blog description says. "Romance writer Donica Covey gives you a glimpse into the daily life of juggling a full time romance career with a full time family." How can I or anyone else give an accurate portrayal if all they show is happiness and light?

That said. I'm going to let you all into the very personal painful world that my life has become lately. When my son walked out of our lives in September I thought he was going through a phase. All kids rebel. But, this is hell. Pure and simple. The people who he is living with have…persuaded him that he is better off there. They’ve shown him a Neverland where he can live, as he pleases, no rules, no chores. When our family has called he’s been subtly dictated who can and can’t talk to. When he can and can’t talk to us. And there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. At seventeen, he’s old enough to make that decision alone.

The knowledge that my son is out there and not knowing if he’s sick, or hurting. Is he warm enough? Does he need anything? Can I keep going on? Will he ever come home? That all is hard to deal with, couple in the desire to hate the ones who’ve taken over his life: add the fact that the holidays have always been such a big family deal for all our lives. I’ve been trying. God knows I have been.

With my son gone, it’s getting harder to move forward. I feel like I’m walking in molasses as it slowly freezes over. It’s a daily strain to find the energy to get up and try to go on with my life. The more I threw myself into the fantasies, the worlds I created the more I could get away from the pain I really feel. Lately this hasn’t been so much about writing and living my dream, as it has been more of an escape route for me. But it’s not working anymore, and I’m ready to scream.

I sit at the computer for hours on end. Trying to find the words. But my heart beats in so many different rhythms because of the shattered pieces in my chest. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I can’t think. I really understand the term broken heart now. And I honestly believe it’s possible for a person to die from it.

My throat burns, and aches. My head fogs. If skin eroded like earth, the tears would make ravines the size of the Grand Canyon all over my face. It feels like a dream…a nightmare that I just can’t wake up from.

When my cousin killed himself many years back I thought, “there has got to be no greater pain than this.” And any time a parent looses a child, the pain is unbearable. I keep thinking thank God, my son can always still call and say, “I’m sorry and can I come home.” At the same I sit and every time the phone doesn’t ring the pain rips through my soul.

To try and deal with it all I’ve been trying to get my focus back. I’ve been throwing myself into writing so that the rest of the world doesn’t intrude. For a while I was doing fine, rushing them, that’s true enough, the stories were getting to their conclusions too quickly, I was writing, getting the visions out of my head and onto the screen.

It’s become this obsession, this drive that I feel like I’m going to die without. I have to be in these stories. I HAVE to get them out. I have to stay lost in them. I know they aren’t perfect. Hell they aren’t even readable at this stage. Do I even care if they get to that perfect point any more? I don’t know.

I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I don’t think there is enough life left in me to share anymore. “I write for the same reason as I breathe…to live.” I’ve heard that saying before, so many times and it’s always applied to me. But now…now I don’t even have the energy, the ability to “breath” anymore.

Maybe I'll get better. Hopefully this is just the holiday blues and ti'll pass. That one hope buried in the back of mind is the only thing that has kept me from deleting all my writing files and breaking my contracts with my publisher. I've never been one to lay down and give up without a fight. But my energy, my strength for fighting is pretty much gone....